A PERSONAL ESSAY FILM by DERIN EMRE

“I've Kept You to Myself" is a personal essay film by a lifelong TV addict and his reckoning with the decaying value of knowledge.

An archival self-portrait, it explores how a relationship with the bizarre, fragmented Turkish television of the 90s turned him into a reluctant YouTube star-to-be in Los Angeles, continually coming back to the question: 'What if we are nothing more than the media we consume?’

Director’s Commentary

For a very long time, the media I consumed was how I viewed myself with regard to others. Be it the small television which shaped my personality, or the laptop where I watched my online persona distort my real life, I was never able to escape from the influence of screens. 

In my formative years, such an intense relationship with the media turned into an obsession with striving for an unattainable ideal, whether that was happiness, attractiveness, or erudition. My only hope in reaching this ideal was making sure I watched everything—in my case, this meant the fledgling Turkish television of the 90s, which was also finding its footing in bizarre ways. 

Since I mainly saw myself through a screen, my incessant consumption resulted in a mental dissociation between me and the world around me. In my first years of studying in the United States, I talked like actors did in R-rated Hollywood movies—constantly cursing and snapping at people—because I thought it was accepted, if not cool.

If there was any hope in my reconnecting with reality, the advent of the Internet would derail it. Not only did an abundance of online knowledge devalue the media I grew up with, but I became a participant in the field by founding a very successful YouTube channel.

For about a year, I was on a screen and living in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, what seemed like a dream on paper turned out to be a problem in reality. I constantly felt bothered, self-conscious, and out of place; in the sea of inexhaustible content, having lost my references, it became difficult to figure out who I was and where I belonged.

And so, far away from home, over five years, I decided to revisit all the media which I had a close connection with. In assembling this archival essay film, made up from the thousands of others I consumed, my goal was not only to explore my personal and cultural identity, but to cherish a past I saw a need to grow out of.

But I realize that, even if my film succeeds in emerging to visibility during a hyper-consumerist age, sooner or later, it will be forgotten in time. And yet, I am not forlorn: however it is daunting and vulnerable to begin a losing battle, I believe creating is still the only way to exist; and if I can share the work with others who are also attached to screens, that's all the better.

TEAM

Wrıter/dırector: DERIN EMRE

Born and raised in Istanbul, Derin Emre has graduated from New York University with a Bachelor’s and Master's in Comparative Literature; co-founded the YouTube channel Yes Theory, which has more than 7.5 million followers; co-written the feature Everything Outside, which premiered in Vancouver International Film Festival before released in Quebec; and created the audiovisual project, Sight Unheard, which was shown in Toronto Light Festival. He lives in Montreal.

PRODUCer: Fırat sezgin

Fırat Sezgin is a producer working in Film and in New Media with a background in producing feature length films as well as documentaries. After graduation from Emerson College (2011) with a BA in Producing for Film, he returned to Istanbul where he worked in different positions in various productions. In his last five years in Istanbul he worked at the largest Turkish studio BKM, where he worked in national and international licensing & distribution as well as more than 20 co-productions. He co-founded Institute of Time to work on independent projects including 3 feature creative documentaries. His last VR work Floodplain premiered in Venice Film Festival. His latest documentary co-production world premiered in the IFFR 2020. He now resides in the Netherlands.